Dear Eve,
Congratulations for taking the time to stop, look back, pay attention to your needs, and attempt to make some positive changes to make your life more enjoyable. This is a time of transition for many women and change can always be stressful. At least you are taking the time to make the most of your present situation. You are doing well in trying to eat regularly balanced meals and taking the time to taste and savor your food, to taste the different flavors and experience the crunchy texture. The fact that you are looking more at energy level and attitude feelings instead of simply eating to comfort you is definite progress. You are paying attention to your feelings and using food and snacks to make sure you don’t come to the meal table overly hungry (which can result in overeating). In addition, you are looking at ways of dealing with problems more head on, instead of drowning or numbing the feelings by eating.

Some observations…
Rushed mode…
You seem to be rushed so frequently and that may be due to your difficult and demanding schedule and your role as a mother, wife, commuter, public health nurse and provider of meals, laundry, cleanliness of house, etc. etc. etc. No wonder you are tired many times. On top of that, living with perfectionism is very very hard. Have you ever tried to talk to your husband about women’s role of the 90’s, sharing tasks at home, how hard it is to fit in all your chores, workload, and still somehow squeeze in time for yourself? If Bob is feeling sad about his transition in work from business to employment and you are feeling sad and frustrated because there is too much to do and too little time, one way to relieve the burden of sadness is to help each other out. When a person is able to help someone in need, it makes both the receiver of the need and giver feel better……the receiver because she/he relieves some type of pressure from the individual; the giver because they are helping someone out. Once you get to chapter 12 where an assertive technique of I know…and…so…are discussed…(pages 254, 255), you will see what I mean. How about saying to Bob, I know you feel that I need to be preparing all meals and my time is limited with commuting and a full time job, so perhaps I could do some advance preparation the night before and you could pop it in the oven and start the vegetables at 5:30 so it’s ready when I come home. Maybe this is a bit too dramatic a change, but you get the drift. Or maybe the boys can be involved in the food preparation end of things….anything to make a step to making your workload lighter and more manageable. It seems every minute is so tightly scheduled with little breathing room for you and so if anything unexpected comes up, there is no “padding of time” to handle it.

People pleaser…..
Please the hubby in keeping house as perfectly clean as you can get it, having supper ready, taking care of the boys and the homework and listening to his woes, making the peas with extra sugar to please the tastes of others….what about a gradual transition to using just a bit less sugar, the following time a little less sugar and so on and so on…compromise with little changes instead of assuming all responsibility.
Is there a way to delegate any of these tasks? ….to have a family meeting on dividing tasks a little more evenly, to account for the commute time to and from work….

Diet thinking….
There is progress in moving out of the diet mode with regard to food as you begin to allow yourself to experience the tastes and textures of food, take time to enjoy it and not feel guilty about what you are eating…you are able to eat ½ doughnut, just what you want instead of only eating for external cues (it’s there so I’ll eat it)….
Review page 148 where diet versus nondiet thinking is contrasted. Can you take these concepts and move them from food to other parts of your life??

Learn to be MORE GENTLE TO YOURSELF.
You do not seem for the most part to be turning to food to deal with stress; rather you are now addressing your feelings. If you are really tired though, you may not need food; you may need sleep. There are other people though that are being allowed to control your life to the point that it is too overwhelming stressful for you to manage in your daily routine and time allotment. You can choose to continue to live in this manner and build in relaxation tapes to counteract these feelings or sit down and have a good talk…..take the approach in analyzing what you are doing and needing at the present and apply it to the family. In tuning into energy levels, focus on some of those other energy drainers that have nothing to do with food….feeling sad and wallowing in self-pity, trying to live up to someone else’s expectations even though it’s never good enough, being responsible for everyone’s happiness at the expense of yours perhaps…

You need to be able to nurture yourself, take care of yourself and feel good about yourself in order to be able to give to others without resentment and fatigue setting in. What about taking a ½ hour bubble bath with lots of bubbles and maybe some candles and nice music and ask not to be disturbed during this period of time…or build in activities that you enjoy a lot more….like sewing and allow yourself to revel in the accomplishment. Learn to be more gentle to yourself.

Period of grieving…..
Transition takes time. Your husband after 4 years still seems to be in a period of grieving over the loss of business and this impacts on the family home attitude and life. You mention that you are trying to catch up with life…..maybe you need to pull back and slow down as you have begun to do by even looking at yourself more closely and asking questions. Bravo Eve for taking this first step. Bob may need a lot of support right now and you may be too busy caught up in everyday activities to be able to listen, really listen and care. Sometime the big hubby can be the biggest child…. this is not meant to be an insult. We all need support to move through our difficult times and if we don’t get it, we can’t move on……some scheduled fun family time may be just the thing needed to bring some lightness to the family life.

Plan snacks
Build in snacks for boys if supper is delayed and they are owly….maybe they are just hungry. Your boys are at a growing stage of life and snacking is an important component for healthy growth. If supper is delayed be sure snacks are hovering about or even better, available for them to grab onto.

Increase family activity…..
There is nothing better than family activity…walks, hikes, bowling, cross country skiing, etc to get the blood moving and get those endorphins up to get one feeling good and put life back in perspective. Role modeling is key to increase the activity of your children. Yes, you may not have time during the week….watch that all or nothing thinking…what’s wrong with starting with the weekend activities? It would give everyone something to look forward to, create the bonds of a family, and allow one to kick off one’s heels and just have fun…snow ball fights, playing tag, giggling, being 20 again. You get the idea. You may need to plan this and schedule it in and let others know. Be sure to ask the boys what they would like to do to take ownership of the idea; otherwise, you may get the ah, Mom….response.

As you begin to feel better about yourself and your body image, other people in your family (like the kids) will get the kickback too.
An excellent start is not stepping on that scale every week and judging your self worth by the number on the scale. You have made progress here by not weighing yourself on the scale at the clinic and felt ok and not fearful if you did need to be weighed. A bit of question goes to the comment…..”If I feel good enough to weigh myself, I’ll trust myself that I’m good. “ It’s not about eating good food to feel good and feeling bad when you eat a so called bad food like chocolate cake…it’s about nourishing your body for your new tastes and textures by making little changes, eating when you are hungry, stopping when you are full, watching your kids who are natural nondieters who may leave food on their plates because they are full, and eating for hunger, not other reasons like comfort. You are doing well in these areas and doing the best you can! As for your son who feels fat when wearing a snow suit, perhaps tell him it’s normal for anyone of any size to feel puffy when wearing a snow suit….however, it can be viewed as comfy and warm, not puffy…it’s all in how you look at it.

Do your best and then let go…..
Proper restful sleep is key to be able to be part of everyday life’s activities and demands. If you did your best at work, worry will just rob you of your restful sleep and leave you draggy instead of energetic and hopping. Ask yourself, what’s the worst possible thing that could happen? Can you live with the response? Often the response may not be as bad as you think. Try letting go…

Enjoy your “me” catch up day every three weeks
What a great idea you worked in! Now allow yourself to enjoy it with music to keep you feeling good. You created a positive upbeat atmosphere that helps you get your work done and enjoy the process rather than drudging it. How about sleeping in once in awhile? Have you allowed yourself to enjoy this little treasure or are you an early riser and like to start the day in the early morning hours?

Get connected with your surroundings.
Continue to take in the sights to and from work and enjoy the Fall colors and the beautiful ride; continue to make it more enjoyable by listening to tapes and nourishing your mind with positive thoughts. You are on the right track…..

Observe others who seem to have their life in balance.
Ask questions….see what they are doing differently and try it out. Experience is a good teacher and so is listening to others….learn from your mistakes so that you minimize repeating them and listen to others so that you avoid making them. Mentoring and sharing with others and having life coaches to guide you on the path to a comfortable balanced life makes life worth living.