by Margaret Langille
I guess it all started when I was in grade seven. I remember being thirteen weighing about 167 pounds and because of this weight, being ridiculed both at school and at home about my size. My two older sisters constantly called me names like “brontosaurus” and spent considerable time singing “she’s too fat for me” to me. Occasionally my mother would ask them to stop but somehow in the busy life she lived I don’t think she had the energy nor time to make the teasing stop. Although she rarely discussed my weight, she unintentionally contributed to my poor self worth by ordering dark boys’ clothes in the Eat-ons catalogue for me to wear, instead of making an effort to buy something in the girls’ section which appeared somewhat more attractive for a teen girl. At school I was called “tubbo” and was always a wallflower at the dances during my early teens. These days were not happy times in my life, as I struggled to make sense of it all.

In grade 10, I decided I wanted to make changes. Without discussing my feelings of rejection and sadness with anyone, I made changes towards my eating patterns. I made an effort to focus in on whether I was truly hungry when I thought about eating, and if I was, to pick choices which I liked but which were also healthier for me. Before I knew it, I felt healthier and my weight slowly came down to what I assumed was my natural weight for me. I remained at that weight for much of my high school days.

The weight issue never really surfaced again until I was in my fourth year of university applying for internship to become a dietitian. The internship committee requested a weight on the application form. Before sending off the forms to the hospital, discussion amongst the nutrition grads came about that these programs didn’t accept any “fat” students. I felt enormous pressure to lose what I thought was excessive weight. My ambition to be a dietitian came when I was in grade eight --- to be rejected because of my weight, after working very hard to get where I was, would be a tremendous blow. I wasn’t going to have my weight get in the way.

I lied about my weight on the application form, and, after what seemed to be an eternity, I got the letter to say I had been accepted into the internship program. Unfortunately though, I knew the pressure was on to lose the weight I had gained at university so I would be the weight I indicated on the application form. And so the restriction began...By the end of the summer, before internship, I was running three miles a day ( something I had never done in my life before this summer) regardless of the weather, and eating “only good food” so I could meet my goal. I lost the excess weight and felt the enormous pressure lifted as I moved to Toronto to start my internship.

That internship year introduced me to many dietetic interns, interestingly enough, none of whom were large. They all seemed to fit that stereotype of what others expected from us as a group of “soon to be” dietitians- perfect eating habits, thin and in control. Very few dietitians treated themselves to a “bad food”. What an example we were to all around us. I felt, as the others did, if we, as a group of dietitians couldn’t stay thin and in control, then how could we expect anyone else to do it?

It has taken me a number of years to undo this way of thinking. It has only come from re-examining who I was and what I wanted in life, and having a very supportive, loving husband who accepted me for who I am. Thankfully, I have gone full circle and am back to doing what I was able to do when I was thirteen- eating when I’m hungry and stopping when I’m full. Learning to accept myself came much later and was something I had to work on, with determination.
As a dietitian, it didn’t take me very long to see how dieting negatively affected those who attempted to lose weight. I knew my focus had to shift in order to be effective in helping others. Now I am a HUGS facilitator and with my increased confidence and the support of a great network, I am able to focus on this philosophy, assisting others who wish to feel better about themselves and who want to make changes in their lifestyle without dieting.
Now to convince other dietitians to move in this same direction!
Margaret Langille, RD
HUGS Facilitator
Fredericton, NB
ph/ 506 458 9285
email/ langille@BrunNet.net

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